The Wit of Steven Wright

If you must say “Who?” then you are too young, and I’m older than I would like to admit.  “X”

  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

  • Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

  • Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

  • If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

  • I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

  • So what’s the speed of dark?

  • How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

  • Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

  • If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

  • Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

  • Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

  • When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

  • If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

  • Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?

  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

  • Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

  • Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

  • If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

  • What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?

  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

  • When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

  • Do fish get cramps after eating?

  • Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

  • When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

  • Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

  • How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

  • If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?     (this is priceless, patriots)

  • Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

  • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

  • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

  • Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

  • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

  • What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  • Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

  • Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

  • Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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